sheepshepherdess

I Year ago Today

Some times I think things have gone so slow other times I don't know where time went....

I know my losses are to great for most to imagine unless they have had their walls crumble down before them.  I can probably write a book of what not to do, and I still am trying to figure out what to do.I know I had to go through what I have had to endure to get where I am now. 

I have cried more than I could have ever imagined was possible, I have missed some one more than most people will never have to comprehend .  I have grown in many ways and will continue to find my new path.

I knew true love , compassion, patience , and most of all I know I had a soul mate, lover,husband and a  friend most of all....

Last Year   click here

Tribute to a loving Husband and incredible man.... I LOVE YOU CHRIS....

Hiking in Montana The Hilgard Basin

Snow Camping in the Sierra's

Soaking in the Sierraville hot springs.

Chris in Mendocino Our favorite place.

Camping on the Yuba.

Chris holding Josh wearing his Mother Hips T shirt one of his favorite local bands

Wedding In Mendocino.

what Chris Lived for Family.

The Man He Became...

What do you do with this Blog....

  I started this Blog July 27 2006.  I never knew where life was going to take me at the time.  I can't say it has been what I thought it was going to be , or what I wanted it to be, but it is.  

  I started this blog with the intention of conversing with fiber artists and was very happy sharing my work.  Little did I know in July 06 that my husband was going to come down with some rare cancer with only a 3 % chance of living.

 Well here I am muttling  my way through life.

My first love since I can remember has been photography so it really seems natural right now to focus on that aspect of my life right now as I can no longer concentrate to knit nor do I have the desire to spin as that requires sitting still something I had a problem with when I did have a husband.

 So with that said I will be focusing on photography.  Mt thoughts are a picture a day with a small caption since writing has never been my strong point.

  The digital imaging class that I have been taking has proved to be an inspiration and a great way to learn to use photoshop in a more proficient way.

Class assignment... Triptych.

The top of Mt. Disney on a beautiful day... Taken with my digital Elph, by Canon of course... The perfect camera to put in your jacket pocket for times like this.

Sugar Bowl... Extreme powder day. Josh and I headed up Mt. Lincoln. 8300 ft and my favorite spot on the hill. 

Therapy

I tried a therapist for a couple of visits, I figure this is the big stuff.  Well it is not going to work.  I will save my $60.00 a month co-pay for a Starbucks white mocha and a Mother Earth News, or better yet a chapter in John or Romans. My therapy has been the South Fork Yuba where I have been spending any spare time hiking and swimming.           

Todays therapy..... A long hike, beautiful scenery, only the sound a pounding water, rocks for a couch, water for cleansing and cooling. Cost priceless, outcome peace and comfort.

The Finality

This has been hard to post.  Before I am critisized I will include a link to my inspiration. http://www.pulitzer.org/year/2007/feature-photography/works/  It has been hard to look back at what I had and look ahead to what I have lost.  The following photos are of the service they were not taken by me obviously as I am in some of the photo's.

Chris singing "On Jordons Stormy Banks"

Graveside with Chris's father, my two younger sons, and our Pastor Bill.

Flag folding by the honor guard.

 Flag presentation that was all to familiar as I was with my mom four years ago when she was presented with a flag upon my fathers death.

The following photos were taken 48 hours before my husbands death.  My son had his eagle court of honor, it was video taped so my husband was able to watch it with him.

Sean presenting his dad with the fathers pin.

Chris and Brandon.

Eagle Scout !!!!!!

In Memory

It is sad that this would be my 100th post I sure imagined it would have been different when I started this blog.  My life forever changed,  my heart broken and lonely.

                      Chris October 13, 1971- May 19, 2008

   John 14:1

‘Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me.  In my Father’s house there are many dwelling-places. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, so that where I am, there you may be also. And you know the way to the place where I am going.  Thomas said to him, ‘Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?' Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.  If you know me, you will know my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.’

In Retrospect

It has been one year since the diagnosis of esophageal cancer.  Here is our year in retrospect.  Starting March 1, 2007 when Chris went in to see the G.P.   May 4 after a long  battle trying to get some one to listen about the increaed difficulty in swallowing he was diagnosed with cancer.  Yes cancer can happen to young people!!!   even if the Dr. says no way you can have cancer as we were told April 11. 

  All photos can be clicked on for a better view

                                                                              March                                                            

                                                                           

                                                             April

Nalgene has since removed all bottles with BPA's from the market.

                                                                  May

Chris at the yurt near Point Reyes Station.

                                                                           June

Chris and Josh at Mc Clures beach in Point Reyes.

                                                              July

John John and Chris down at the lake.

                                                                August

Nevada County Fair.

                                                        September

In the Garden here at home.

                                                           October

Chris' birthday 36

                                                      November

Empire Mine Grass Valley

                                                             December

Making  Gingerbread houses.

                                                            January

Chris helping train Rusty.  Get those sheep off the fence!!!

                                                                      February

Yankee Jims at the American River.

                                                              March

Chris with Brandon.

   

                                                                  April

Chris consoling Brandon in sadness.  Kids want to know why.

                                                           May

Chris teaching Josh to make North Dakota sticky Cinnamon rolls.

                                        John  3: 16

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whoever believes in Him should not parish but have everlasting life.

   

Bread in the oven

We fired the oven up for bread!!!   We preheated the oven on Thursday night then Friday all day we kept a fire burning, by  4 pm we had pizza in the oven after the pizza we cleaned out the wood and coals and placed the door in position to let he heat even out,  about an hour later we baked 5 loaves of wonderful sourdough bread.  My daughter had made the starter about a year ago with the grapes from the ranch.

                               Chelsea putting  a county loaf in the oven

                                    Chris's favorite bread book

                 Bread from the oven

 

                                Finished oven with door

 

Grace and Mercy

  I will always remember the moment Dr. James Goodnight motioned me to come with him, standing in the doorway with his traditional green O.R. scrubs. Sitting in the O.R. waiting room for what we thought was going to be a simple bowel resection, not so.  I found myself walking down a long hall in disbelief of what the Dr  Goodnight was saying   "Cancer everywhere, inoperable, my worse nightmare, "  All I could say, God where is your grace and mercy  I have prayed without cessation for the life of my husband.  Questioning God over and over that day, I was angry to say the least.  After all this was the man that I love, the father of my children,  we had plans what was God thinking?   I have since then found glimpses of Gods grace and mercy, the first being in the Chief Resident, Dr. Travis Gerlach, at U.C. Davis a man of Christ and compassion.  Now begining to accept the fate of our situation we look for the blessings in death. 

     We had a praise and prayer gathering at our home honoring Chris and lifting him up into the arms of the Lord.   This was a time of grace, mercy, and many blessings.  His good childhood friend, Chris M. came and led worship.  He sang for Chris the song we have chosen for his service,  On Jordon's Stormy Banks.  We had a time of prayer and remembrance.  A beautiful spirit filled time we had  together, another way God shows his grace and mercy.  Chris and I feel so fortunate to have family and friends that are loving and caring.  A heartfelt thank you to Chris M.  for your time and gift of music.

                  Praise and Prayer    Josh sitting with Chris

     Praise and Prayer   Chris M. singing  On Jordons Stormy Banks

         Praise and Prayer   Chris' mom and Josh reading scripture

On Jordons Stormy Banks       found on You Tube                     

On Jordans Stormy Banks I Stand
On Jordan's stormy banks I stand
And cast a wishful eye
To Canaan's fair and happy land
Where my possessions lie

All o'er those wide extended plains
Shines one eternal day
There God, the Son forever reigns
And scatters night away.

I am bound, I am bound, I am bound for the Promise Land
I am bound, I am bound, I am bound for the Promise Land

No chilling wind nor poisonous breath
Can reach that healthful shore
Where sickness, sorrow, pain and death
Are felt and feared no more

I am bound, I am bound, I am bound for the Promise Land
I am bound, I am bound, I am bound for the Promise Land

When shall I see that happy place
And be forever blessed
When shall I see my Father's face
And in His bosom rest

I am bound, I am bound, I am bound for the Promise Land
I am bound, I am bound, I am bound for the Promise Land

The Pizza and Bread Oven

                                             The finished oven

Chris started this brick pizza and bread oven in July as at the beginning of chemo it was a healing and hope project and a monument to strength over cancer.  The project was not finished when Chris was diagnosed with a recurrence of esophageal cancer with metastasis to the abdomen.  Yesterday a friend John from Alta Sierra Baptist Church came and gatherd the boys to finish the pizza and bread oven.  John will make a iron door that will keep the heat in the oven for the bread baking process. 

Chris has lost so much weight as most can see from the previous photos.  When Chris went into the hospital 3 weeks ago it was to repair a blockage in the small bowel. The doctor did the laporotomy for the bowel resection. He found the masses of cancer in the abdomen and was unable to repair the blockage. Chris is unable to eat due to the fact nothing will pass through the blockage in the jejunum.

                                                             John

                                            Chris's dad and Josh

 

Lost for Words

Sometimes there are no words left and any one who has read my blog knows words are always few.  Chris has become weaker and time becomes more precious. He is home under the care of Hospice this was a decision that we made together that he would die at home.   Chris also wanted to take the family to an ocean front vacation home, we did it was not easy, Chris was unable to leave the home.  The children and I went on a couple adventures one to Point Reyes station and Mc Clures Beach.  I drove!!!  that will be a new adventure for us as Chris always drove and knew where to go.

CANCER will not win this battle God will.  In this imperfect world I struggle to understand why God would leave my children here without their father and myself a widow? These are questions I ask  God.  God has his reasons for calling my husband home and I must accept the reasons even though I cannot understand. 

Pictures can be clicked on for larger view

   

Dillon Beach House Vacation.   Brandon telling Chris about the sales at Lowe's.

59 Beach House Dillon Beach Chris with the children and Rusty the Border Collie.

View from 59 Beach House.    This depicts how I feel.